“When I was your age, I had you,” my mother yells at me. “I was married and had a four year old. Not that I want you to instantly have children,” she says a bit more calmly. I know that’s a lie, but I don’t call her out on it. “I wish you had responsibilities.”
Thank you so much for the absolutely lovely wonderful birthday gifts!!! Pengua = <3
I’ve been feeling all out of sorts lately. Is it because I’m in therapy again? Is it because I’m older? Is it because of my medications? I don’t really know. There are an infinite number of possibilities, and all seem worse than the last. I don’t know why I feel so depressed.
Maybe I shouldn’t have gone to therapy, or told my parents that my brother’s friend sexually assaulted me. Maybe I should have taken a year off before graduating, to let my physical self heal.
But I didn’t do that. I stayed, graduated, went to therapy, and told my parents. I haven’t told my parents the real reason I go to therapy is because of them. I didn’t know mothers weren’t supposed to hit their children until I was in my teens. How fucked up is that? I told my therapist last week about what happened when I went clothes shopping with my mom, how she would hit me and yell at me if something didn’t fit. How she’d tell my I’d be alone and miserable the rest of my life, because boys didn’t like fat girls, and I was a fat, ugly little girl.
The look on my therapist’s face… I’m not sure how to feel about that. I just laughed. What else could I do?
I am going through a lot of things lately. I’m in Graduate school now, and I just had my second nerve/muscle surgery a few months ago. My arm is still healing and will never be as strong as it used to be. I’m still living with my parents because I have no money because throughout college I had the issue with my arm and could barely do my homework. I have forgiven my mother for physically and emotionally abusing me, which thankfully she doesn’t do anymore. I have also forgiven my dad for letting her do those things to me. I have come to terms with and told my parents that I am bisexual. Finally, I have told my parents I was sexually assaulted by my brother’s friend, who also sexually assaulted my brother. I am currently seeing both a psychiatrist and a cognitive behavioral therapist. I am on 300 mg of Zoloft, and take at least 1 mg of Lorazepam a day. My psychiatrist also prescribed me this blood pressure medication which is supposed to help with my nightmares. It has so far. On top of that, I am struggling with myself to lose weight and be healthy because I am very obese and I have PCOS.
PCOS is Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Basically, I have cysts in my ovaries which is very painful sometimes, and my hormones are out of whack, and my body can’t process food like a normal person can, unless I have medication. So, even though I am far from diabetic (my glucose levels are ~70), I am put on metformin to help me absorb food properly. And doctors just assume that because I’m fat and on that med, I have diabetes and it pisses me off. And I have another blood pressure medication that helps with one of the symptoms of PCOS, even though I don’t have high blood pressure. I am also taking birth control to help the pains. Finally, I take a multivitamin, vitamin D, and fish oil pills. Oh, and I take gabapentin for nerve pain, and one of the side effects is retrograde amnesia, which unfortunately happens a lot.
Anyway, so I’m working through all of this stuff now. I just thought I’d share with anyone who reads this, and maybe let people know that they’re not alone in their suffering, and I’m here to talk. <3