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I Wonder Why

I’ve been feeling all out of sorts lately. Is it because I’m in therapy again? Is it because I’m older? Is it because of my medications? I don’t really know. There are an infinite number of possibilities, and all seem worse than the last. I don’t know why I feel so depressed. 

Maybe I shouldn’t have gone to therapy, or told my parents that my brother’s friend sexually assaulted me. Maybe I should have taken a year off before graduating, to let my physical self heal. 

But I didn’t do that. I stayed, graduated, went to therapy, and told my parents. I haven’t told my parents the real reason I go to therapy is because of them. I didn’t know mothers weren’t supposed to hit their children until I was in my teens. How fucked up is that? I told my therapist last week about what happened when I went clothes shopping with my mom, how she would hit me and yell at me if something didn’t fit. How she’d tell my I’d be alone and miserable the rest of my life, because boys didn’t like fat girls, and I was a fat, ugly little girl.

The look on my therapist’s face… I’m not sure how to feel about that. I just laughed. What else could I do?

Healing

I am going through a lot of things lately. I’m in Graduate school now, and I just had my second nerve/muscle surgery a few months ago. My arm is still healing and will never be as strong as it used to be. I’m still living with my parents because I have no money because throughout college I had the issue with my arm and could barely do my homework. I have forgiven my mother for physically and emotionally abusing me, which thankfully she doesn’t do anymore. I have also forgiven my dad for letting her do those things to me. I have come to terms with and told my parents that I am bisexual. Finally, I have told my parents I was sexually assaulted by my brother’s friend, who also sexually assaulted my brother. I am currently seeing both a psychiatrist and a cognitive behavioral therapist. I am on 300 mg of Zoloft, and take at least 1 mg of Lorazepam a day. My psychiatrist also prescribed me this blood pressure medication which is supposed to help with my nightmares. It has so far. On top of that, I am struggling with myself to lose weight and be healthy because I am very obese and I have PCOS.

PCOS is Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Basically, I have cysts in my ovaries which is very painful sometimes, and my hormones are out of whack, and my body can’t process food like a normal person can, unless I have medication. So, even though I am far from diabetic (my glucose levels are ~70), I am put on metformin to help me absorb food properly. And doctors just assume that because I’m fat and on that med, I have diabetes and it pisses me off. And I have another blood pressure medication that helps with one of the symptoms of PCOS, even though I don’t have high blood pressure. I am also taking birth control to help the pains. Finally, I take a multivitamin, vitamin D, and fish oil pills. Oh, and I take gabapentin for nerve pain, and one of the side effects is retrograde amnesia, which unfortunately happens a lot.

Anyway, so I’m working through all of this stuff now. I just thought I’d share with anyone who reads this, and maybe let people know that they’re not alone in their suffering, and I’m here to talk. <3

Again

            the silver glinted in the moonlight sharp and cool with its steely point and its purpose a deadly purpose a living purpose with its need need need give it to me now now please ohgodplease and then it slides in with a slick quickness and it spreads spreading down and up and around and moremore and there and the rush comes not at all gently but its expected and good so good and not good but the not good is far away now and the rush oh its intense so good body heavy tired clouded dull waking up screeching to a halt yet rushing all at once starting up going away no no nonononono please dont wanna leave obsess obsessed crave more and more more needneedneed again

(Scare)Crows

The Scarecrow stood tall but hunched over, sulking. The straw was falling out of his left arm, picked at by the crows that mercilessly teased him. Scarecrow was not, apparently, very scary. He felt useless and depressed until one day he befriended some of the crows. They stopped teasing Scarecrow so much but still nipped at him here and there, making sure he knew they were the boss. One day Scarecrow was fixed up by the farmers and suddenly he was very scary. The crows would not go near him anymore and he felt lonely once more. Gradually the crows came back to him in fury. Scarecrow had betrayed them and he had to pay. They tore at his overalls, flung his hat on a cornstalk and proceeded to peck his eyes out. All that was left was a pile of shredded clothes, hay and buttons. Scarecrow’s once-friends gave new rise to the meaning, ‘murder of crows’. 

Why Trees Lost Their Leaves

The trees in the mountains are turning. They come alive, bright with fiery color. It’s slow, almost unnoticeable at first. This process, natural, has happened for eons. A young girl watches, mesmerized. Leaves fall gracefully, blanketing the ground. The scent, sweet yet bitter, is everywhere. The girl had heard a fairytale before.

            Long ago, the trees were afraid. They didn’t want to lose their beauty. Their beauty was their leaves. Even the pine trees were fearful. Mother Nature promised they could keep them. There was one condition, however. They mustn’t fall asleep through winter, ever. ‘Easy!’ exclaimed Birch Tree to Pine. The two friends agreed to help one another. One encouraged the other to stay awake. Rustling leaves, shaking branches- whatever it took. But Birch Tree was so tired. He couldn’t stay awake, even with help. Pine Tree tried everything but nothing worked. Birch Tree was getting sleepier. ‘Please, stay with me!’ Pine cried. ‘Winter is almost done!’ But the cold was too much. Poor Birch Tree could not stay awake. Mother Nature saw this and was sad. She took pity on the sleeping trees. ‘Fear not,’ she said. ‘They will grow their leaves again. Every spring they shall bud anew. In summer their leaves will be full. At fall, they shall turn color. They will be at their most beautiful. In winter they shall lose this beauty. This process will continue for all time.’ ‘You, Pine Tree,’ she said. ‘You will never lose your beauty. Your color and scent shall remain.’ She ended her decree. She awoke all sleeping trees with spring. ‘Thank you, Mother Nature!’ Birch Tree wept.

            The girl knew the trees were sleepy. It was close to winter. ‘Sleep well, Birch Tree!’ she said. She patted the trunk goodbye. 

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